The Home Team, by Clint Archer

I haven't been accepting many books for review of late for a myriad of reasons, one main one being that I don't necessarily feel like there is much discretion on the part of publishers as to what they publish. It is feeling more and more that anything can and will be published just 'cause. It seems to me that there are an awful lot of poorly written or just plain "meh" books published that probably shouldn't have been. It doesn't feel as if very skill is required of authors or readers these days! I can't prove these things beyond a shadow of a doubt, of course, but I feel them. Therefore I've made a personal decision to heavily scale back on accepting books for review. My reading time is as valuable as any one's and I want to spend time with good books that will prove a great benefit to myself and my family.

Honestly, there are only three Christian book publishers that I trust to produce quality Christian non-fiction anymore. One of those is Shepherd Press. When I saw the title The Home Team pop up, I was instantly curious and wanted to give it a read. Shepherd Press offered to send me a copy for review purposes and I was delighted to dive into this one. I was very happy to have given it some time and attention.

In our family, we talk a lot about being a team and that's the first reason this particular title caught my eye. We talk about how we all have to work together to accomplish things and to enjoy life. When any one of us are fighting with another, we stop and remind ourselves that we were placed together for a reason and a purpose and so we need to keep on working hard to stick together. Don't get me wrong - it is hard work! But it is good work and it offers great rewards. We like our team and are always interested in learning how to make it a better and stronger one.

Author Clint Archer definitely likes sports and so there are a great many sport-like analogies and stories told to communicate his key points. If you are not a "sports person" don't fret; I am not a sports fan and I had no troubles whatsoever with his stories. I never felt like he was "going off" about a game but skillfully used games and certain athlete's performances to teach how each family member ought to act to benefit the whole unit. His sports analogies/stories were short, to the point, and directly applied to the information that he was trying to pass along. Absolutely do not let the idea that this is a book about sports turn you off. By the later half of the book, he rarely mentions sports at all!

The Home Team: God's Game Plan for the Family is meant to be used as a tool to reformat the family, if you will, into a unit instead of a diverse group of people who just happen to live in the same household for a time. One thing in particular that I found interesting was Archer's admissions that this is a subject he has been and is still growing in. He is quick to say that he is not an expert on family, that he struggles sometimes in his role of providing spiritual headship, and that he still has much to learn. His humble admissions keep the reader asking questions of themselves because if you know the author doesn't necessarily have it all together then it's easier to dialogue and question your own motives and methods as you proceed in building your own family.

On the heels of that last paragraph, it should be quickly noted that his humility doesn't degrade the book into uselessness. Archer is still learning but he has learned and what he shares is practical, useful and is an encouragement to others. He definitely takes a "traditional" (and I would say biblical) approach to the family in holding to the position that the husband is the head of the house and the wife is the helpmeet. I have no issues with this as I believe this to be according to God's complimentary design. While his approach is certainly "conservative" and "traditional", he deviates from many modern conservative Christians in saying that this book is not meant to be a rule book or to provide some sort of checklist for "How to Build Family." He says quite plainly in the Introduction:

". . . [B]efore you read another paragraph or turn another page, please consider Jesus. Do not read this book for another list of ways to do marriage and family better: it's not intended as a rulebook or a checklist. If you read it like that, you will get frustrated and fail. You cannot accomplish any of these principles in this book apart from the Spirit of God applying grace to your failing heart. So seek Jesus and His grace. Then read on." (Introduction, page 11)

In other words, he isn't giving you a How To. He merely intends to lead the family to the Bible to learn what it is that God said the family was supposed to be.  Then, by God's grace and gift of wisdom, you need to make personal decisions for your own family which possess the ultimate goal of following God and bringing glory to His name. There is no checklist because we aren't cookie cutter humans. Our families cannot look the same.  However, if we are doing it right we are all doing it with the same goal in mind. I see no reason to avoid a similar end. even if the particulars in how we get there look a bit different.

Ultimately, the purpose of Archer's book is to remind us all of our families' goals and purpose in life. That is? To bring glory to the Lord. If we operate by God's "play book" then we will find life more easily enjoyable but not completely devoid of trials either. Focusing our eyes on the Lord and seeking His wisdom is certainly in our best interest and the end result is something to look forward to instead of dread.

I'll let Archer end my post by sharing a quote that I found particularly meaningful as it reminded me that while our families may look different , we each need to keep our eyes on the ultimate prize of knowing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. The details all don't matter all of the time but certain details do. (Did you track with that?) Going back to scripture and the Creator of Family is the only way to make things in our individual households work properly. If that is all this book manages to help you remember, then it is a worthy read.

"Define your goals according to God's original design for the family and His specific calling for your family. Then you can work together as a team, depending upon the Holy Spirit to energize and bless that work. You can also judge your successes or failures according to God's standards rather than according to human wisdom, which may change with every generation. You can even enjoy the work of glorifying God as part of the family team, receiving the blessings that come from belonging to and participating in a God-glorifying family." (Chapter 2, Team Basics, page 36)

This one will remain on my book shelf for a re-read.

Many thanks to Shepherd Publishing for sending this book my direction in order to facilitate this review. I received no additional compensation and all opinions are 100% my own.

Things I've Been Reading

Sometimes I just don't feel like writing up a whole big post on the books I read. Shocked, aren't you? (Doesn't Carrie always like to talk? A lot?!) Sometimes no. I don't know if it's the subject matter or just the fact that it's Christmas and we're (all of us) so busy, busy, busy. The Christmas season just doesn't seem the time for long blog posts. It also doesn't seem to be the season for much reading either. Lots to do!

But I do want to remember that I read certain books and maybe list a few "take aways" for each. That shall be the point of this post.

*****

First, I read the second Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. I had read the first, Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, last year. (Linked to thoughts.) When I finished the first book (and expressed my concerns with it) I wasn't sure if I would read any further into the series. But then Jonathan and I sat down to watch the first movie which I thought was a.) remarkably well done and b.) considerably less creepy and dark than the book itself felt. And, dare I say it?, I even enjoyed it.

So, when I found a copy of Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets I picked it up and decided to give it a read. I devoured it. It's easy, kinda "fun" reading. Which makes this an interesting series for me because, as I mentioned previously, I dislike the fact that there is not a clear black and white distinction with the magic being used. As the Queen of Carrots pointed out in her comment on my first post on Potter, the magic in these books is more technological. You can use it for good and be a good person or for ill and be a bad person. And I have concerns about that (just as much as I have concerns about the rapid technological developments we are experiencing in this modern age). I do not think we use our knowledge and abilities for good all of the time. Anyway, QOC clarified the differences between Potter and Narnia fairly well AND she gave me reason to believe that the battle of good and evil is made more clear cut in future titles of the Potter series.

I liked The Chamber of Secrets for the story. I hated it for all of the ghost characters which are involved. Talking to dead people isn't something that we are advised to do in scriptures and Rowling makes it a regular practice. The way she writes her ghost characters is in a manner which is supposed to make the reader find them amusing. I just couldn't. That aspect of the book was not at all amusing to me. (I really, really disliked Moaning Myrtle.) But that said, the story as a whole was intriguing as Rowling (regardless of writing skill) does seem to have some skills in character development. I feel like I know Harry, Hermione, and Ron a little bit better through the reading of this book.

Upon finishing the read, we watched the second movie. I didn't care for it as much because of Moaning Myrtle (what's with her voice even?!). Still, for the most part I thought it followed the book well enough and was considerably less spooky of a story on screen than on the page.

It seems likely I'll read on in the series. But I have a feeling that my feelings will dictate how fast and how far I go. (Then, can one really start a series and not finish it?)

*****

On a totally different subject I read The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim and Kathy Keller. It's not my favorite book on marriage but it isn't my least favorite either. I found it to be insightful, spot on in several instances, and generally encouraging.

My biggest take-away from it was the importance of building and maintaining a friendship with your spouse. At this stage of the game (with 3 little ones) time for just each other is remarkably hard to find. It isn't easy to find childcare these days and date nights are few and far between. This fact adds stresses as you never get time away to just be and do things alone. Eventually it gets to the point where every day feels something like a game of survival in which no one is ever voted off the island. Opportunities to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" seem to abound.  (I love my kids dearly, do not misunderstand. Ultimately, what it boils down to is that raising a family takes a great deal of intentionality!) Working on friendship IS a challenge (sometimes more than others). Important though. I confess though that while I appreciate the encouragement to build and maintain a friendship, as the Kellers aren't offering to babysit I feel about as frustrated reading the book as not, regardless of my overall like of the book.

By that last statement, I should clarify that in no way do I desire to downplay the significant pro-marriage message which is this book. One of the strong points of the Keller's teaching is explaining what marriage does (joining two people together to walk a spiritual journey) and why it should not be feared. Tim Keller is a pastor of a large church in New York City which is largely comprised of singles and he has clearly learned to speak to singles about the importance of marriage and the joy of it. He is not saying it is a remarkable stress-free journey but he is also saying that it is not one that should be feared or avoided.

Overall, I'd recommend this read to people who are either avoiding marriage because they are scared of it or to people who have been married for at least one year. I don't think you'll "get it" if you read it when you are engaged. It won't be half as practical when you don't really "get" what it is you are supposed to be learning and applying.

On the flip side, I suppose it's a great read for any age and any season because we all have a great deal to learn about what marriage is and is not and there is always something to be improved, in either attitude or action. This is a good read.

Joni & Ken: An Untold Love Story, by Ken & Joni Eareckson Tada

I saw a few people review this title but I didn't read their reviews. (I have linked to them below.) I knew I wanted to read this one for myself before collecting the thoughts of others. Before anyone else wrote anything about it, I ordered a copy of Joni & Ken: An Untold Love Story from Amazon.

Just like so many of you, I read Joni's story of how she came to be paralyzed from the neck down and how God grew her in the faith through this perceived tragedy. I read her first book, Joni, as well as her second, A Step Further. Several years ago I read The God I Love (linked to my thoughts) which is her memoir. I noted in my reflections on the book that I had wanted to learn more about her relationship with her husband, Ken. Wish granted with this new title, Joni & Ken.

Sometimes we make wishes and when they are granted we realize that we're a bit unwise in asking for certain things. Turns out I really didn't want to know about their marriage like I thought I did. Not that it was a bad book, because it was not. Although I did believe it was lacking in some areas (in terms of writing style) it was very revealing of who Ken and Joni really are as a married couple. I guess I can only say that I was a bit surprised to learn about how they really interact with one another, although I shouldn't be. The purpose of this book is to encourage couples who are struggling in their marriage to realize that God can take any broken relationship and heal it. Great, right? I think my entire problem with this book is that I was expecting them to tell us the story of how supportive they are and have always been towards one another and how their unique circumstance and lives makes them a shining example of What Christian Couples Should Aspire To in marriage. Instead I found a story of struggle, hardship and weariness. You could also throw in some doubt and confusion. And while there is triumph in the end, they've walked a long, hard road with one another.

I'm not paralyzed and neither is Jonathan. And some days we're snippy with one another. Sometimes I can't snap out of a bad mood as fast as everyone would really like me to. Sometimes the children are really loud and demanding and interrupt our conversations with one another. Our house gets really messy to the point where I am unable to think. When Jonathan's alarm goes off in the morning, it wakes me up also. (I hate that.) I change plans on Jonathan all the time without warning. (He hates that.) We annoy each other even though we love one another. Turns out Joni and Ken follow much the same pattern of annoyance and love and devotion and irritation. They are just as committed to one another as Jonathan and I are, but they struggle to stay connected to each other when life becomes really busy (and their lives are rather busy). The book basically says this: marriage is work. Submit it to the Lord. He is faithful to help keep you two together and healthy, despite yourselves.

That's a very nice message, isn't it? I like it. No objections. But I wasn't terribly inspired by this wonderful, lofty idea of Who They Are. (Are you laughing at me yet?) Joni is inconsiderate. Ken is self absorbed. She understands his need to be alone sometimes. He understands she isn't trying to be physically demanding but she has a very physically demanding condition which requires a lot of attention. And so and so forth. Reading this book is, in one sense, reading a litany of things one should not do in order to have a successful marriage. And yet -

In this book, Joni and Ken reveal their struggles and their hardships and how several years went by when they just did not connect to one another at all. They reflect on their courtship and the wonder of marriage but then "real life" starts for the both of them and as every marriage couple knows (and laughs into their sleeve about) every day is not a romantic holiday. Clothes get dirty. Food needs to be eaten. This happens every day and logistics and emotions and just practical everyday living can wear on a couple no matter who you are. They write to share who they are really are as people and to show how God began to work on them through a variety of circumstances to realize just how desperately they were both in need of God's help to live out a successful marriage. And truly, I suppose it could be said that if they can make it 30+ years in a marriage, anyone could. Anyone, that is, who commits their way unto the Lord and is humble enough to be corrected when correction is needed. (And, as all those same married couples who snickered into their sleeve well know, being corrected and changed is a part of married life!)

Honestly, this book is not going on my "favorites" list. Although I was desperately curious to read it, I quickly became bored with it and I think that's more because of how the story was laid out than anything else. Their story begins in early 1980 and continues to the present. All throughout the book their fellow writer (Larry Libby) would hop back and forth between the present and the past weaving their story together for us. Although his manner was not confusing, per se, it did feel rather disjointed. The message which I have stated I believe this book to be trying to communicate is not remarkably easy for the reader to pick out. The thoughts are very jumbled and although this book ends on a note of encouragement, the reader is frequently left in a state of confusion as to where the book is headed. Sometimes random facts about either of the key parties are thrown in and I'm not sure why certain details about their persons and their families were thrown in. It's just not a smooth storytelling experience and that left me feeling a bit "meh" about the book on the whole.

I do think the Tadas have an incredible story to share and I'm not at all sorry for them having taken the time to share it. I believe that their story has the potential to be encouraging to struggling couples in very valuable ways. For me personally it just felt like I was hearing about a couple very much like Jonathan and myself - always moving forward with every good intention to be obedient to the Lord and honoring to one another - but sometimes failing in the attempt. And yet I still believe that despite our failures, God is working a good thing in us and there is more, still, to learn.

Not a remarkable book, but not too terribly disappointing all the same. Curiosity satisfied, I guess?

Additional reviews:

Barbara H. at Stray Thoughts 
Mark at Carstairs Considers . . .

The Fruitful Wife, by Haley DiMarco

The Fruitful Wife: Cultivating a Love Only God Can Produce, by Haley DiMarco. Don't even waste time reading my review. Just go buy a copy and start reading. The end.

That's pretty much all I want to say but it is probably best that I say a little more in order to qualify this as a "review", eh? Bother. I don't really want to talk much about The Fruitful Wife because I'm a far cry from being one! This book hit me smack between the eyes and really had an impact. (At least, I hope it did.) I received it for review roughly a month ago and I've been reading it very slowly; about half a chapter a day. Even then I felt like I was reading it too quickly. I should probably also tell you that I've already begun re-reading it because it's just that good in a horribly convicting sort of way!

This book also goes down in Carrie history as being the first book I took a pen to. I underlined, dog-eared pages and covered it in i-Clips. It is also going to go down as one of my favorite reads in 2012 - not because it's fun but because it's just so good in a purifying sort of way. I've already (advanced) purchased copies for other people and it's going to be my new book which I gift new wives with. I'll tell them to read it once right after they get married and then again in about 3-5 years when married life starts to become real. (If you've been married for at least five years or more then you know what I mean.) It's not that you can't or that you shouldn't work on cultivating the Fruits of the Spirit (Galations 5:22-23) even before you are married. You should! But this book is going to be more impacting to you when you've discovered that you, by your own "love power" will only fail when it comes to showing your husband and family any of these fruits all by yourself. When you begin to recognize that there are some really hard things that you must go through as a married couple - (in order to grow! hard things are good things!) - and that you do not have it in you to show much love or kindness (or patience or whatever) in your own strength, then you'll start to really pay attention to what DiMarco has to share (and also what God has to say). While I would like to say that I wish I had read this book earlier, I can also honestly say that it wouldn't have had as great an impact any earlier. We had to go through hard things first and recognize that hard things will come again. It is life. It is right.

I seriously have so many pages and passages marked in this book that I hardly know which to share. One reason I connected with it so much is because of DiMarco's honesty in sharing who she was and who she is with the reader. Now, strictly for example sake, let me compare DiMarco with Sally Clarkson or (an old favorite of mine) Elizabeth George. While I like both Clarkson and George, they both have this soft spoken nature about them. They are all happiness and joy and, quite frankly, I'm not the sort of person who is always smiling. Reading someone who feels like they are always smiling can get on my nerves and make me dismissive of whatever truths these lovely ladies are trying to communicate. DiMarco admits upfront, at the beginning of each chapter, that she almost feels as if she shouldn't be writing this book. Her personality is very straight forward, in your face, brash and loud, thoughtless, impatient and unkind . . . until God began to convict her of her sins. It is easier for me to hear the words of someone who explains that they are very impatient by nature and that they have learned, by and through the grace of God, to be patient. She describes her former emotions and attitudes as relates to each "fruit" of the Spirit in ways that made me laugh outloud because I identified. I'm an extremely impatient person. I am . . . unkind. I am frequently unloving and I am extremely selfish. Extremely selfish. People bother me. So, to hear her say, "I was this - but now I am not after repenting and immersing myself in scripture" was very encouraging. She gives hope as she explains that grace and the power of the Holy Spirit will help me and others to imitate God (Ephesians 5:1; 1 Peter 1:16) in being kind, being loving, being faithful and possessing self-control.

I'll share a few notable passages, just to give you a flavor for the book. Don't blame me if you begin to feel convicted. Just thank the Lord.

On Patience:

"Impatience implies that God has lost control; that things have happened that weren't meant to happen and that life is out of whack. But for the believer who trusts in God's complete sovereignty, there is nothing that is too late, too slow, or unwelcome, because we know that it all first passes through the hand of God (see Lam. 3:38). When you are assured of this truth, you are set from from the bondage of impatience that prompts you to become controlling, critical, doubtful, fearful or just plain restless. The restlessness of impatience that grinds on your gut and panics your mind is the opposite of resting in the Lord, of finding strength in His peaceful patience and His sovereignty over even our little inconveniences and catastrophes." (Chapter 4, Patience, page 95)

On Kindness:

" . . . [I]t's neither justice nor fear that keeps us from kindness, but simple ignorance of what God has said and done. And that's why an ignorance of who God is prevents us from abiding and living a life that bears spiritual fruit, which includes Biblical kindness. And it's from this ignorance that we start defining words like kindess through our flesh. For instance, as long as your definition of kindness involves what you get out of it, like love or acceptance, it's fruit-of-the-flesh kindness and not the grace kind of stuff we are talking about. Until we know that kindness isn't just about being friendly to those who are friendly to us but about showing kindness when hate or indifference is given in return, when anger erupts or when we're simply unappreciated, we can't fully grow in the fruit of kindness." (Chapter 5, Kindness, page 113)

There are more. There are oh so many more passages I would like to quote but time and space will not allow for that at the present. Suffice it to say, I highly, highly, highly recommend The Fruitful Wife.

I am very happy to say that Crossway Books has offered up TWO copies of The Fruitful Wife to two of you. Would you like to win? Simply leave a comment below! This contest is open to U.S. Residents AND Canadian residents and will be open through Sunday, September 30th.

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED. THE WINNERS, as selected by Random.org, ARE #17 - CrossEm (who is getting married shortly!) and #30 - Barbara H. Congrats, ladies!

Thank you, Crossway Books, for publishing this book in the first place. Then, thank you for sending a copy my direction for me to read, in exchange for sharing my thoughts. (I'm always happy to do so.) Lastly, thank you for offering two copies for two of my readers!

You will recognize them by their fruits. Matthew 7:20

No Ordinary Marriage, by Tim Savage

Where do I even begin when it comes to discussing No Ordinary Marriage, by Tim Savage? This is another new release from Crossway Books and I have to confess to rolling my eyes a bit and thinking, "Oh, another marriage book." Publishers do seem to be poppin' out books on the topic left and right but this is Crossway and if you are a regular around here, you know I rather like this publishing company and so I was perfectly happy giving it a go. And I am oh. so. glad. I did.

Recently I let it be known around here that I have a set of favorite books on marriage. I keep meaning to write up a post sharing what those specific titles are and I still mean to. Whenever I get around to writing up that list, this title will be on it. Like my other favorites, No Ordinary Marriage gets right to the heart of the matter when it comes to how to approach and work on a marriage. The subtitle to this book is "Together for the Glory of God" and Savage's goal is to point out that marriage is designed to reflect and showcase the glory of God. He promptly gets right in the reader's face and deals with the greatest threat towards marriage: self-centeredness. The marriage, while enjoyed by two individuals, is not about them. They are enjoying a gift that God designed perfectly to display His glory. Therefore it is our duty and responsibility to set aside our own selfish pride and feelings of entitlement so that we can selflessly reflect God's love to one another and then to the whole world.

Kindly, God has designed it so that at the same time a good marriage is reflecting God's glory, it is also benefiting and providing pleasure to the individuals involved within it.

" . . . [W]hen two people are bound together for the glory of God, their marriage will become increasingly united over time. It is a sad feature of many contemporary partnerships that the opposite seems to occur: people grow apart. There is a presumption that, as the years pass, partners will inevitably grow weary with one another and be pushed in opposite directions by diverging interests. The perception, while often self-fulfilling, is unfortunate. When two people take aim at the glory of God, they are consumed by something so big that it creates synergy between them, causing them to climb enthusiastically to new and more exciting vistas. They will grow spiritually, and when two people grow together spiritually they never weary of each other." (Chapter 2, Something Beyond Ourselves, page 26)

Now, I do have to pause here and say that I thought Savage wasn't always as clear as he could have been in saying that a married couple cannot possess God's glory. Throughout the reading of the book I understood Savage was not saying that we can personally own God's glory but that we merely reflect it. However, I do wish he had said distinctly and right up front because I spent the first few chapters wondering exactly where he was going with this. But he is very clear about making that distinction over time.

". . . [M]arriage is not ultimately something we do but something we are. It is not primarily of a list of duties or roles. It cannot be reduced to a series of steps or procedures. . . . Instead marriage is something we are to the glory of One more resplendent than the sun. We are created in His image. We are made in His likeness. In marriage, we are an illustration of what the Lord is Himself, a radiant beacon of self-giving love. We glorify God by being what we are in Christ, people who present a replica of the sacrificial service adorning the crucified Lord." (Chapter 3, Cruciform Love, pp 41-42)

The main thing, as I've mentioned, that Savage hammers away at is the sin of self-centeredness for each individual in the marriage. It's so easy for me, personally, to focus on my own thoughts and emotions and I'm very quick to dismiss what Jonathan is feeling or needing in any given moment. I'm more inclined to satisfy myself. I want to sleep in later, wash fewer dishes and have time to myself to pursue the things I want to pursue. But if I am committed to Jonathan - or, more importantly, to the Lord - then I should repent of this sinful attitude of self-gratification. It is important that I set what I think would make me happy aside in favor of honoring the Lord by practically honoring my husband. This isn't easy and Savage doesn't try and pretend that it is. On the contrary, he harps about the need to set aside self because he rightly believes that it is this devotion and worship of self that is the single greatest destructive force to a marriage. The moment you decide that you "deserve" to be happy above everyone and anything else, your marriage is on the rocks and is not accurately reflecting the sacrificial love of God.

Savage is also aware of, and makes no excuses for, the fact that two individuals have to work very hard, not just to set aside their individual wants but to work together in an effort to build and maintain unity. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean you agree with everything that they think. You should never enter a marriage assuming that you have met your perfect match who agrees with you explicitly and implicitly about every single topic in the known universe. Chances are, you will marry someone who is distinctly different from yourself and you will encounter some hardships in your marriage. Savage said that these times of disagreement and disunity should not frighten or worry us.

"Disunity, then, can be a springboard to unity. What a thrilling paradox! This means that no couple, no matter how battered by marital failure, should ever relinquish hope. When resentment and bitterness have become chronic and temptation to retreat into a defensive shell becomes almost irresistible, when neither husband nor wife is willing to concede an advantage to the other, when tempers flare and spirits plummet - it is especially then that two partners can be on the cusp of victory." (Chapter 7, Becoming One Flesh, page 99)

They are on the cusp of victory, that is, if they turn their eyes heavenward and pray that God will intervene in their marriage and grant them wisdom and grace to rise and meet the unique challenges which they are presented with. One cannot ask for help from the Lord without a bit (ha!) of humility and a conscious willingness to deal with sin and make some changes. Savage dutifully points all of this out as well.

And what happens with a marriage that is devoted to showcasing the glory of God? Everyone, not just the partners within the marriage, benefits. The church benefits, the family does, and so does the rest of society.

"When two people love each other with the love of Christ, something dynamic happens: they do not only fuse into one but also discover that their love begins to multiply exponentially. The love they now possess together is bigger than the love they first emptied into each other. The love of Christ, when passed back and forth between husbands and wives, creates a surplus of love. (Chapter 9, In God's Church, page 127)

Of course, all of the above is as relates to a Christian marriage which Savage believes is sacred and to be greatly desired. I love that he devotes a chapter to singles (while also stating he didn't like the term "single" because that is exactly what they aren't!). In this chapter he spells out the following: a.) "Singlehood" is a gift which should not be relinquished in a hasty fashion. While single you are free to serve the Lord single-heartedly and that is a good thing. b.) You should take care to marry someone who is single-minded in their love of Christ. It absolutely will not be of any benefit to marry someone who is not passionate about the Lord or the pursuit of holiness. In fact, it will be a great detriment for you to marry someone who is not passionate about God.

"The partner who is destined to become your closest friend, your most trusted confidant, and your intimate lover will assuredly exert a great power over your heart. He or she will influence you in one of two directions: either drawing you closer to the Lord or pushing you away. For the glory of God, resist anyone who might lure you away. Above all, trust the Lord to lead you to a mate who will fortify your single-hearted devotion to Christ." (Chapter 11, Single-Heartedness, page 157)

I know I've included a lot of quotes here, but I don't want to forget any of these! I really appreciated how Savage exhorts his reader to consider their potential for a relationship, or the relationship that they are currently in, as reflecting the glory of God. If we take our eyes off ourselves for a moment and realize that God is telling a bigger story and that our lives are but small pieces in His much larger and grand design, how much better off we'd be! I like that Savage doesn't offer a step-by-step guide for how to improve your marriage. Mostly he says there is one "simple" step: you must die to self. Sacrificial love is what God has given to us and what He reflects through us - all for His glory, and His alone.

I hardly feel as if I'm doing this book a lick of justice but I do highly recommend it because he spends the whole of his time talking about what really matters in a marriage - and it turns out not to be me! Who'd have thunk it?!

Thanks, Crossway Books, for shooting a copy of this book my direction in exchange for my honest thoughts.

Are You Waiting For the One?, by Margaret Kim Peterson and Dwight N. Peterson

Today my friend Taia is here, sharing about a book she recently read - Are You Waiting for "The One"?: Cultivating Realistic, Positive Expectations for Christian Marriage. As she mentions below, Taia and I are real life friends. While we don't always agree, I enjoy hearing her take on things. She challenges me to think through my beliefs and positions in a healthy way and I was glad she wanted to share about the following book.

I do feel like I should preface this by saying that just because I'm posting it doesn't mean I necessarily agree with the book. (The quote, in particular, raises question marks.) I take a markedly different view of marriage at times, being much more conservative. However! Like I said, I respect the way Taia approaches me with differing opinions and hastily agreed to post her thoughts on this particular work.

Lastly, I would like to point out that I have not (yet) read this book.

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I know Carrie from real life and started following her book blog to get to know her better. Margaret Kim Peterson is one of my favorite Christian authors, although she’s written only three books. (The others are Sing Me to Heaven, about her years caring for her first husband, who had and died of AIDS when its treatment was not well understood and Keeping House: The Litany of Everyday Life.) She is a theologian/professor, a widow, a wife again and a mother. My background is in engineering and I appreciate her practicality. She decided to write this book as an outgrowth of a course on Christian marriage that she and her husband (a professor of New Testament) taught to college seniors and it is appropriately subtitled “Cultivating Realistic, Positive Expectations for Christian Marriage.” The book definitely has Margaret’s “voice”, although I haven’t read anything by Dwight to know if he likely did any of the drafting.

They gently criticize many existing popular books on Christian marriage for creating unrealistic expectations of perfect love. They attempt to describe “real love” in marriage and family, with an emphasis on the imperfections that, on one level or another, plague all families. They use scriptural examples to make the point that these problems have always existed and will always be with us. They also value singleness and ponder how the modern church seems to consider singleness a transitional state, rather than a lifelong state of being for many people. Many of their examples refer to the historic church as well as scripture- they are interested in the many ways Christians have lived over the past two millennia.

They identify qualities- hospitality, compassion, justice and reconciliation- that ought to mark Christian marriage. They believe neither in male headship nor in egalitarianism because both emphasize power in the relationship. They use the perfect peace and mutuality between God the Father and Jesus Christ and their oneness as the true model. I quote,

“...it is most emphatically not the case that God the Father is in the business of making decisions on behalf of the Holy Trinity when the Father and the Son are unable to reach agreement in any other way. On the contrary, the relationship of the Father and the Son is characterized in Scripture by perfect peace and mutuality. When Jesus says, ‘I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me’ (John 6:38), his point is not that God the Father calls the shots, and he, Jesus, is a lesser deity who just does as he is told. His point is that God the Father and God the Son are on the same page; they are a team; they’ve talked it over and made a plan. They have different parts to play- the Father sends, the Son is sent- but they are coauthors (with the Holy Spirit) of the drama. This, we think, is the kind of mutuality that husbands and wives should be striving for…”

They emphasize the value of children and the emphasis that the church has historically placed on welcoming them into marriage. Their discussion of the history of marriage in the church cannot be easily summarized but will probably be informative to most readers.

Are You Waiting for "The One"? is one of the few that discusses family economics in a world where medical insurance is expensive and pensions are a memory. For most families, a lifelong full-time stay-at-home wife and mother is not economically realistic. Neither they nor anyone else can resolve the tradeoffs for each family, but their work with college students in recent years led them to observe that fathers who are largely absent, due to the hours that they work in order to afford a mother at home, are also a social problem.

“A lot of fathers who have stayed married to their children’s mothers are nonetheless absent from those children’s lives because they are at work. The Christian exaltation of the stay-at-home mother has a flip side that is not so often talked about: the always-at-work dad. The children of such parents often express powerful feelings of ambivalence toward their fathers, who they know worked long hours or traveled many weeks out of the year specifically so their wives could stay home with the children, but who thereby denied the children their own presence.”

When we were married, we were required to complete a workbook with budget guidelines by Christian financial author Larry Burkett. Guidelines for medical insurance/expenses (3-5% of income) were laughably low, even for a family with healthy children. Housing in urban areas has increased in price. At the same time, the work of nurturing and caring for one another is important. (That’s why Margaret Peterson wrote a book on that topic as well, on keeping house, my very favorite of her books.)

I’ve recommended this book to friends with college or post-college children. Some information- that 95% of people in the United States engage in premarital sex, for example- is useful to know for decisions about public policy, but not at a young age. There is nothing graphic, but the effects of infidelity, divorce and pornography are discussed. It is a practical book, written for a world of real, not perfect, love.

For those who might be interested, you can read much of the first ~40 pages in the Amazon preview.

Marriage Under Fire, by James Dobson

I picked Marriage Under Fire up during the CBD Christmas special. It definitely had appeal to me, as I care greatly about the institution of marriage. I don't always like how Dobson presents his arguments and do not agree with him in everything, but I know that he, too, is passionate about the covenant of marriage - being between one man and one woman.

Marriage Under Fire was originally published in 2004 and is written to address and explain the political climate at the time. For that reason, the book is slightly outdated -- in part. The political situation has obviously changed but I would hastily also say that the war against the God-ordained institution of marriage is just as much under attack now as then. Perhaps more so. Dobson's 2004 rallying cry that we sit up, take notice and defend our beliefs is still applicable today.

One thing I think he addresses well is why we should care about the legalization of homosexual marriages. A lot of people would say, "Why should you care? It's not hurting you, is it?" and Dobson says that we cannot ignore it. To allow it is to usher in the destruction of the traditional marriage. It opens doors to allow anything and everything because if you say that marriage is not just between a man and a woman that you can easily drag the argument out further to say that marriage can be between three or four people, or a man and his dog, or any other odd combination that might spring to mind. Once you remove the standard, then you are subjecting yourself to the whims, fancy and experimentation of the masses - which is exactly what we see happening today.

Dobson calls for a return to marriage the way that God designed it - between one man and one woman. This, he argues (and I agree) is the way to stabilize society, as well as strengthen it.

"We must remember that behind the public policy debates and media influences are real human beings who are affected adversely by the disintegration of families. Among them are millions of hurting people - husbands, wives, and children - for whom everything stable and predictable has been shattered. They represent the agonies of loving wives who committed themselves wholly and unreservedly to men who later rejected them for other lovers. There are husbands who are struggling to raise their kids alone because their wives decided thy didn't want to be mothers anymore. And, of course, the break-up of families results in millions of pitiful children who cry themselves to sleep at night because they miss their mom or their dad who is not there to give them a hug or make them a treat. This is the legacy of divorce and sexual promiscuity. Social experimentation has produced these tiny victims who cry out for compassion and understanding. It is why I have committed my life to their cause and will continue to do so for as long as God gives me strength." (page 37)

I know this argument is not a popular one these days. I know there are cries for tolerance every which way you look. I know that people didn't like Dobson writing this book in the first place, let alone will they appreciate finding this post online. This may very well be the case but that does not remove my right to share my own opinion. So before the hagglers start howling in the comment section, remember to be kind and that this is my blog. We have equal rights to our own opinions. If you can talk, so can I.

I do believe that God designed and established marriage to be between one man and one woman. I believe that society falters and is gradually destroyed when we step away from that model. I think divorce and homosexual relationships are harmful to children and remove feelings of stability and safety from them. Generally speaking, this results in children feeling scared, alone, uncertain of themselves and leaves huge emotional scars for family members across the board.

I recognize that there is a spirit of individualism loose in society and that no one really appreciates being told what to do. We've latched onto relativism, saying that there is no truth and what is right for one person might not be right for another. We use this argument liberally, without realizing that to say there is no truth is to say there is. In other words, the argument doesn't hold and is not reliable. There has to be a standard and there has to be a truth. Without one, society is chaos. We are just beginning to feel the effects of that chaos.

If you do believe in God's design for marriage, I do think Dobson's call is right on in saying that we need to be brave enough to stand up and say so. He does not mince words and assures the reader that if you dare to take a stand, you will be attacked for it. People do not like being presented with a standard and/or a solid opinion that differs from their own. It isn't pleasant, but if we care to preserve traditional marriage then we'd best be prepared to stand up and speak politely, yet firmly, and without apology. It is certainly difficult. But I think it's the right thing to do.

Let's just take it back...

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Matthew 19:4-6

Now for the matters you wrote about: it is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:1

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5: 28-33

God has set the standard and the pattern for marriage: one man and one woman. Through that union He chooses to extend great blessings. If we honor and preserve the model presented by God, then it follows that we will receive the blessing of committed love, faithfulness, support, children, grandchildren, and healthy relationships.

But there are those who don't agree. There are those that want to go their own way and do their own thing. And CNN really likes those sort of people and gives them a great deal of publicity.

Take this article for example that suggests that monogamy is unnatural for our species. You should know that the author of this article, Christopher Ryan, approaches marriage from the standpoint of an atheist. He rejects an idea of a Creator. He steps in and declares his own rules. And he does so in a perfectly tasteless way. But when you reject standards and rules point blank, and insist on doing things your own way, you can't really expect beauty. You've eradicated it on point of pride and arrogance.

I did agree with him on one point though. He said this:

Thus, couples are led to believe that waning sexual passion in enduring marriages or sexual interest in anyone but their partner portend a failed relationship, when in reality these things often signify nothing more than that we are Homo sapiens.

I do agree. Failed relationships do come about because we are humans and we have fallen short of the glory of God and are sinners. Sin destroys. God restores. BUT for God coming and sending His son to die on the cross for our sins, we would be subject to unfulfilled and broken relationships.

Ryan wants society to think of marriage as being in bondage.

Unfortunately for him and others like him, that is not how God views marriage. It isn't so broken and decrepit and "limiting" as all that. Marriage is the most freeing type of relationship, designed perfectly by God but spoiled by sin. However, if you taken that brokenness to the cross you may be surprised. There is healing there. There is freedom. There is restoration at the foot of the cross.

And yes it is possible to be perfectly satisfied in a monogamous relationship.

I think articles like this should make Christians sit up and take notice. The longer we're quiet and let people like Ryan do the talking, the faster other people will accept his position as fact. More unfortunately, the faster we too will accept it as fact. I don't want Christopher Ryan's opinion to be considered normal. Because it isn't.

Despite the fact that the article is tasteless (especially towards the end) I do feel like Christians ought to read it and be aware of what is being said. For the sake of our own marriages, and for our children also, we should go 'back to the basics' of scripture and see what it has to say about marriage. Once there we discover the beautiful union that God arranged. It was designed with purpose and intent. If we, as Christians, truly believe that the Creator knew best, then we should not only stand up and say so - but we should live so. Your marriage relationship is the most important in your life and the most valuable. My marriage relationship is the most important in my life - and also the most valuable. So let's live that, shall we? And when we live it - society will see it and will know that it is good. But not because we said so.

Every Man & Woman's Marriage

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Jonathan and I read the companion titles, Every Man's Marriage and Every Woman's Marriage.

Since this pair of books is obviously set up to be read independently by the husband and wife, Jonathan and I did that, and are sharing our thoughts as a team on the respective titles.

Carrie's thoughts on Every Woman's Marriage:

This is a great book for just the female partners in the marriage to focus on. I opened the first few pages to find Shannon Ethridge to be a woman very much like myself in temperament and personality. It was easy for me to read her and take in the advice (which I identified with a great deal!) I felt convicted and challenged as a wife - in a good way! My favorite quote is probably the following:

"God designed the institution of marriage not just as a means to our happiness but as the very foundation of society. Marriage isn't a temporary agreement made for our convenience or selfish intentions. It is a lifelong, blood-sweat-and-tears, come hell-or-high-water commitment. When we marry, we pledge our entire lives to our spouses, "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death."

Marriage is a sacred relationship that we should prize above all others and that we should hold on to for dear life. It's in this precious, sacred relationship that we can practice becoming more holy, exercising our spiritual muscles to become more like Christ." (Chapter 4, page 47-48)

I think one of the hardest things for me to realize, the further in we get into our marriage, is that the world really seems wants to pull us apart. I wouldn't say that I entered into this "blessed state" (which, for the record, it is!) with blinders on. I didn't expect it to be easy. I just didn't expect it to be torn at by outside forces as much as it has been. That's a hard road to walk and it takes fight and effort to keep going with it and to take care to protect it. When Ethridge says that marriage is something that you hang on to "for dear life" - she wasn't kidding! The encouragement that this book offered was welcome along with the conviction - to keep pressing on and honoring my relationship with Jonathan above all others.

Jonathan's thoughts on Every Man's Marriage:

First of all, I want to describe the general tone of this book. From what I've seen, books on marriage fall into two camps:

• Books which focus on expositing scriptures related to the marriage relationship, and to bring conviction by revealing the sin and selfishness so frequently found in ourselves when compared to the light of Christ and the perfect analogy of his role as bridegroom to the church. (What Did You Expect??, by Paul Tripp, does a fantastic job of this.)
• Books which focus on helping married couples overcome the hurdles in their communication styles, so that they can understand each other better and operate more effectively as a team. These issues are still often addressed from a Christian perspective, and a great example is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Every Man's Marriage is a blend of the two styles, and covers a very broad range of subjects by multiple authors as you progress through the book. The positive side of this is that the broad focus is likely to hit on a great number of issues that are relevant to your marriage. But, on the other hand, it doesn't go into extreme depth for any given subject, and it reads like a general Christian handbook to marriage concepts, pitfalls, and encouragement.

Personally, I've always had a penchant for reading marriage books... I recall reading them even before I was married or was in any kind of relationship. In retrospect, that really wasn't particularly useful! A bit like reading a tour guide to a foreign country you don't have any plans to visit.

My personal challenge now is that I enjoy reading books like this, nodding sagely at their advice, wincing a bit when they hit too close to home, and feeling silently smug when the authors share self-deprecating anecdotes from their own marriages where I feel like I could honestly say, "Well, even I wouldn't make that mistake!"

But, by applying that kind of attitude when reading books like this, and then moving on and living my life, there is really no benefit to be gained, and I may have just as well spent the time reading a good novel instead. Because, truly, purely academic knowledge in the area of relationships is not much use at all.

For example, a year ago I subscribed to This Old House with every intention of becoming inspired into lots of grand projects about our house and yard. Today I just received the last of my 12 issues in the mail. Each month I enjoy paging through them and seeing different ideas, construction projects, and what appears to be an inexhaustible variety of ways to use power tools! Now, a year later, I'm a lot smarter for it, and I can toss out complicated-sounding terms like "mortise and tenon" with wild abandon.

But, how many homeowner projects has this actually prompted me to take shovel in hand and go after? A big fat zero. Because, even though the glossy magazine photos of promised outcomes look fantastic, I know that there's a big difference between sitting in an armchair reading a magazine, and roto-tilling ground and pulling weeds under the hot sun! Our land will probably have to survive with the bare minimum of attention for a good long while. (Retirement, maybe?!) I don't think I'll renew my subscription.

It's tempting to apply a similar attitude to our marriages, and just stay on "survival mode", where we do the equivalent of keeping the grass cut before it gets knee-high and, well, if the drywall gets banged up somehow, just hang something colorful over it!

But, the rewards of maintaining and building your marriage are more far-reaching than any construction project ever could be, and the effort that we invest in making changes in our own attitudes and actions are repaid a thousand-fold. (Even though they probably won't be written about much in popular magazines!)

Every Man's Marriage is well-written and does an accurate job of describing many things about relationships. It's solid, scripturally based, and contains on-target guidance. (And I'll say the same for Every Woman's Marriage, having quickly paged through it out of, well, "curiosity," heh heh.)

But, let's not just read these books for educational purposes; it's better to take a few sentences and begin applying them consistently in our lives, than to read entire books and stuff them into the back of our "mental knowledge" where they may never see the light of application.

When the going is rough, we are forced to look to the cross for our strength and motivation to continue. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for each other.” (1 John 3:16) The rewards of this are reaped in more than just the lifetime of marriage ahead of you; they are to be enjoyed for eternity!

Some good news for all of you. The publisher - WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group - has offered to give away a set of these books to one of you! Would you like to win these marriage resource books? Getting married soon? Been married and realize it's a struggle sometimes to keep plugging along? Simply leave a comment below. This contest is open for U.S. Residents only and will be open through Wednesday, the 19th.

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED

What Did You Expect??, by Paul David Tripp

I'm probably not qualified to write this review. But then again, I totally am. Either which way, I'm going to do it.

I was asked if I wanted to read an advanced copy of What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, by Paul David Tripp and published by Crossway Books. Um, yes please?

This is probably one of the best books I've said "yes" to when it comes to reviewing. If I were in the habit of giving away 5 stars around these parts, I'd give this one 1,000. Even then, that would not be enough stars to rate this book because it was absolutely awesome in every single way.

Before Jonathan and I got married we read a ton of marriage books. If the title or the subject matter had anything to do with the mere idea of being married then you can probably assume we read it. We also went through months of premarital counseling, watched video series, listened to audio series and tried to learn as much as we could as we entered into this holy state. We also fought talked incessantly about our expectations and opinions of how the other person "should be" behaving and what we expected our relationship to look like in 1 year, 5 and 10 years down the road. Since that time we've actually been married. Our original expectations of who we were and expected to be aren't quite the same as they once were.

This book takes the cake when it comes to all the materials that we read through though! I'm pretty sure it was written for us and we certainly wish it was written by us. (I don't think I've ever said that about a book before in my life, but it's true!)

Are you married? Pick up a copy of this book. If you're married, you need it. Why do I think this book is the best I've ever read on the topic? Where do I even begin?

Let me put it this way - Paul David Tripp is realistic. He's not here to tell married couples (or those considering becoming so) that 'love is all' anyone needs. He refers to soon-to-be-weds as being in a state of romantic delirium, full of unrealistic but happy-ish thoughts about what marriage is. He has noticed that as soon as the "honeymoon" is over and people get on about their daily lives - they have some adjustments to make. Suddenly you discover that you didn't marry the person that you thought you did. Oh, not to say your mate is evil. He's not saying that at all! He's just making the case that we're each sinful and once you enter into the marriage state, you have not only your own sins to deal with (which are suddenly magnified by 1,000) but you have your own sins to deal with. Wait! What? Yeah. You heard correctly. Tripp is here to tell you that you are a sinner. He recommends not even beginning to look in your spouse's direction.

To give you a visual, Tripp points out (har) that our typical behavior when things aren't going "our way" in our own little personal kingdom is to do something like this:



We like to place the blame on other people whenever possible. "Never take personal responsibility" is frequently our motto whether we realize it or not, right? It's pathetic when you think about it! We're oafs when we do that.

Instead, Trip says that we should stand in front of a mirror and do this:


Point that finger at the person who is really causing the problem. That's right! Tripp says that the person who is causing the problems in your marriage is none other than the blessed you. The sooner we are open to examining our own behaviors, and setting pride aside to address our own sin issues, the sooner our marriage will be repaired and restored.

He describes this in terms of personal kingdoms - His and Hers, respectively. We each want ultimate sovereignty in the relationship. Jonathan - do this. Carrie - do that. What each person is essentially saying is, "Make ME feel comfortable!" Tripp admonishes couples not to do that. We shouldn't be selfishly decreeing that things look the way we personally and individually think that they ought. Rather, he says to focus on becoming one flesh and creating a new identity with one another. It wouldn't look like me and it wouldn't look like Jonathan. It would look like Jonathan & Carrie, together. That new unit is something uniquely different and a component of who we used to be (but are not anymore.) No longer is it Jonathan or Carrie but Jonathan AND Carrie. (One little word change can make all the difference.)

Tripp further says that the thing to do is not necessarily to "learn how to love your spouse" (like so many other marriage books that we read!) but "learn how to love God." This entire book is essentially based on the concept that in order to love your spouse, you must first learn to love God - to worship Him. Tripp maintains that if you fail to learn how to love and worship God as the Creator of Marriage, you will never learn how to effectively love your spouse.

When couples get married, they seem to be focused on the fact that life is now suddenly all about their new loving partnership.

He is so awesome. She is beautiful. He is so charming. She is so generous. He is so smart. She is so patient.

Our eyes are focused on the external and the temporary (in so many ways) that we kinda forget to look up in order to establish this new romantic relationship in way that will foster growth between the couple for the long haul that is apparently marriage.

"This is the bottom line: the war for our marriages is a war of worship. The fundamental problem of every marriage is misplaced worship. The cure for every marriage is renewed worship of God. Does it sound too simple? Well, it is and it isn't. Although this principle is true of every marriage, the war and the cure look different for every couple, because the way the war plays out and the way the cure heals is different for each couple. It is different for each couple due to how God has hardwired us, who He placed us near, and where He has chosen for us to live. Yet, despite our differences, we all suffer from the same problem, and we all look to the same cure." Chapter 17, Worship, Work, and Grace)

Most Christians, having heard the instruction to "love God and by doing so, you'll learn to love your spouse" will nod their heads in agreement. I would have to agree that the statement sounds "simplistic" on its face. But my heart leaped when I read these words because of the deeper truth - the war on worship, and the war on individual marriages is very real. And if we, as Christians, realized this, maybe we would learn to stay alert and fight harder for that 'which God has joined together' (both for our own marriages and for others'.) Instead, we married couples tend to feel 'hard pressed on every side' - even by those who profess love for us! But as Tripp points out, because we are so different we will experience different trials and need to be alert as marriage units as to what threats come into the individualized relationship and threaten to destroy or weaken it.

Let me put this very bluntly: my top priority as Jonathan's wife is to serve God and when I do that I will be learning to serving Jonathan well. The same is true for him. If something or someone threatens to step into our marriage and harm it, we should be vigilant to step up and say, "We cannot allow this in." As Tripp also points out, good marriages don't happen by accident. Good marriages happen as a result of hard work. I walked away from this book affirmed and encouraged that fighting for my marriage and my relationship with Jonathan is the best thing I could possibly do in my lifetime and doing so isn't something I should be made to feel like I should have to apologize for. I promised to be married to him. I promised to love him. I promised to care for him. I promised to work with him to build a relationship that would stand before God. Our priority is therefore bound up in this new relationship - this idea that Jonathan and Carrie would come together and become one - a new unit and identity that is different than any other.

It has been disheartening to us of late to hear of marriages falling apart. It wounds us, regardless of how close we were or are to the couple, because it is a marriage, which we believe is something special and sacred. A marriage is a covenant between two people and before God, and speaking strictly with regards to marriages which are not abusive, are designed to last. We've been given repeated reminders of late that we cannot slack off in purposing to be married. We seem to have few options available to us but to work hard and protect something that God put together (on purpose.)

I closed this book feeling encouraged and refreshed. I'm excited about it! (Can you tell?) I think What Did You Expect? knocks the socks off of other books on marriage because it tells couples these days what they need to hear. That is? Laziness will destroy your marriage. It WILL be attacked (by society or maybe even those 'closer to home') and your job as one of the partners in the marriage is to stand firm in favor of the union, honoring God by honoring what He's called you to.

Jonathan here with an extra note... I was going to write more of my thoughts, but after reading Carrie's review she's said almost everything on my mind! One thing that really did stand out to me while reading this book was that it seems to have grown out of a desire to communicate "what people really need to learn from premarital counseling." However, I think people will be most able to really grasp these concepts after they've been married for a period of months or years, and can relate more directly to the examples being described. But Paul Tripp really hits the nail on the head with such a direct and powerful message, I believe that people incorporating the gospel into their marriages the way he describes can turn around even the most difficult of relationships.

The book releases in April so it's not available just quite yet. However, if you would like to pre-order the book, you can take advantage of THIS PRE-ORDER SPECIAL offered by Crossway. If you order during the month of March (and are one of the first 1500 to do so!) then you will receive 35% off the cost (that's a better deal than Amazon, folks!). CLICK HERE to see the special.

I DO hope you will choose to read this book because this is one of 'the greats' that I think is worth your time. Why is it worth your time? Because I think marriage is worth it. Mine and yours.

THIS POST ORIGINALLY POSTED AS A GIVEAWAY BUT THE GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED.

Fireproof

Ok, so I know that Jonathan and I are really behind the times here, but we just watched the movie Fireproof the night before last. (This fact will not surprise Jennifer in the least.) When this movie hit the theatres, everyone we knew went to see it and told us how fabulous it was and how we should absolutely make a point to go and see it. We understood that the movie did pretty well in theatres and that it "had a strong message in support of marriage."

Well, we're slow to get to movies and date nights don't consist of movies unless we really, really really want to see them. But when it came out on DVD we picked up a copy. And then we sat on it for months on end and finally decided to watch it.

First up, I've got to say that the acting is almost hilarious at times. You can definitely tell that this was not a high budget film. I'm not saying that to pick on it (if you were one that told me to watch it!) but just sayin'. It lacks in certain areas. However, I also acknowledge that if people like me would go to the theatre to see movies like this, production companies would more easily take the point home that there is a large percentage of the population who want to go to the movies to be entertained in a clean and healthy way.

The main message of Fireproof, in case you are still as I was, and rather clueless, is that marriage is worth fighting for. The couple in this movie, Caleb and Catherine, have drifted apart from one another. She doesn't respect him properly and he doesn't love her properly and they both want "out." If not for Caleb's father stepping into the picture and challenging Caleb to participate in a 40 day "love dare" to restore the communication and health to the relationship, Caleb and Catherine would have gone their separate ways.

As Caleb is a fireman, the point is also made that in a fire you are never to leave your partner's side. You stick together and work together to put the fire out. It's an analogy that has sticking power because anyone who is married knows that marriage is not always a walk in the park. Sometimes the challenges that face a couple in a marriage are so overwhelming that you feel like you can't face them alone. And, in truth, you really can't. The movie's heavy emphasis is that without Christ being present in a marriage, it is more likely to crumble. WITH Christ, it is possible to overcome any season of difficulty. It does take two to commit to that though.

I'm not here to get into a debate about marriage and divorce. In fact, I'm going to totally sidestep the issues surrounding divorce for the purpose of this movie review/discussion.

The movie does make some really solid statements about Christianity and its effect on marriage. Sometimes, as I mentioned before, as a result of bad acting we groaned (as Christians) wishing that things had been portrayed just a LITTLE differently. But on the whole, we agreed with the message:

Marriage is about two people becoming one.

In the movie, a third party tries to effect the marriage relationship by stealing the affections of Catherine. The message that Kirk Cameron delivers as the husband of Catherine is that HE is still husband to Catherine and he very much did not appreciate this third person interfering with the marriage relationship. That is really quite true on many levels. As the Bible says, when two people marry, they become one. It is a mystery and yet it is truth. No longer is it just "Carrie for Carrie" or "Jonathan for Jonathan." It is "Jonathan for Carrie and Jonathan under the headship of Christ" and Carrie is for the same thing. You can't step in and mess with either one of us and have us be singled out. We stand together "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." This is the message that the message promotes. Marriage is a covenant and not a contract, and, in fact, the movie concludes with Caleb and Catherine reaffirming their vows to one another, not just as contract but as lifetime covenant and commitment.

When Jonathan and I got married we vowed, before God and our witnesses, the same thing. We covenanted with one another to be One "until death parted us." We included the following statement in our vows:

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Ruth 1:16

We stand together in all things. Furthermore, we pointedly asked our parents and families to take a vow in front of the same God and the same witnesses to support us in this endeavor. They vowed to not attempt to separate us in their own thoughts, words and deeds. They were to commit to recognizing that we were not individually Carrie and Jonathan any longer. Instead, we were a new entity.

When we were watching the movie last night I really appreciated the role that Caleb's father played in stepping in and encouraging the younger couple to stand with one another. That said, he did not encourage them to stand in their own strength. Rather, he encouraged them to stand firm in Christ. He did not pay any heed to Caleb's complaints about Catherine, nor did Caleb's father voice his own complaints about Catherine. Instead - Caleb's father stood for the ONE unit that the marriage represented. This movie paints a powerful picture of what things could be like if we, as a society valued marriage. If we were quick to support each other in our vows and remind one another of them, maybe marriage would stand a better chance.

This movie is valuable. Perhaps the budget was low and perhaps the acting was a stretch in various moments. However, it is certain in the message that it wanted to present and that is:

Don't leave your partner in a fire.

You stand firm. You do not back down.

In conclusion, if you haven't seen this movie then let us join the crowd in saying, "You GOTTA make time for this one!" The message is worth it all.