Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Ten Things I Would Do If I Ruled the Book World

#1 - I would forbid certain people from writing books period. See, we wouldn't even have to worry about banned books. I'd have banned the authors in the first place. No fuss, no muss. That kind of thing. One specific person I would ban from writing books is Madonna. ANY kind of book. I wish she'd just refrain.

#2 - I would republish all of Montgomery's works. (Ok, so you really didn't this list would have been complete without my having said that, right?)

#3 - Instead of sending out ARC books to book bloggers, I would send actual MANUSCRIPTS. I realize copyright issues would come into question, and I haven't solved that problem yet. However, think of all the money (and trees!) that could be saved if books that nobody liked or read ever went to print! A.) They wouldn't waste space on library/bookstore bookshelves and therefore bad "literature" wouldn't be distracting people away from good literature. What good literature is, would, of course, ultimately be decided by myself. (heh.)

#4 - I wouldn't let Joel Osteen write anymore books either.

#5 - I would commission works from really, really good authors so that they wouldn't have to worry about being a starving artist. Of course, then you have tax questions that would come into play and I haven't solved that issue either. But if the politicians can decide who deserves what on a whim, why can't I? It would be my personal pork barrel project.

#6 - I would hold regular conferences for people who worked in book stores to educate them on the newest releases, as well as the classics so that they would be able to reasonably and knowledgeably direct people to good literature (again, predetermined by myself). I wouldn't allow people who don't read to work in bookstores. Because that just has to be unfair somehow.

#7 - I wouldn't published abridged copies of any book.

#8 - William P. Young? No more books for him either.

#9 - I would not accept anymore manuscripts for publication on the topic of vampires.

#10 - I would insist that all published authors find a good photographer to take their head shots. I would never publish a picture on the book jacket that makes the author look half dead or out-of-their-mind crazy. Never, under any circumstances, would the author be allowed to take a self portrait of themselves, in keeping with the latest Facebook craze. Professional. Neat. Nice. Something that the reader of the book can't poke fun at too hastily.

So maybe you're just as happy that I am NOT ruling the book world.

But let's say YOU were ruling the book world? What would YOU do?


Hazel said...

Hi Carrie, hurray to no. 2! I've been telling a friend (who doesn't blog but is a very good writer and a fan of all things Anne Shirley, like me) to read your blog and visit the links you have. PEI is on our places-to-visit list.

I see your reason for no. 3. I'm sure you'll sort out the copyright issues. I'm so with your on no. 6. It would be a bonus if bookstore staff read.

Now I just looked down and saw your previous post and it's really tempting me to spend tonight on it. If only I weren't trying to concentrate on writing an essay for postgrad applications. But I'm sure my time for happy readings will come too.

Meanwhile I got something for you on my blog. Have a nice day,

Leslie said...

I loved reading this and it all seems very VERY reasonable to me. I have never contemplated the book world, but I have often thought I should be the ruler of Good Taste in teh little town where I live. I would have to approve all house paint colors and halloween orange would definitely NOT get a thumbs up. :)

Melissa said...

What a fun post! I'm with you on every single one. I don't know what I'd do if I ruled the book world...I'll have to think about that.

Unknown said...

Loved #10. It made me think of The Giving Tree and the picture of Shel Silverstein. What a sweet book, and then you see that the author looks like an angry terrorist.

Annette W. said...

Once again today I will just say it. You crack me up.

And authors big giant faces should never be cover art!

Really, you didn't like the shack? I did, but I listened to it on audio.

Katrina @ Callapidder Days said...

Ha! I love it! I especially like the idea of banned authors. I've got a whole list of people to contribute to that category. :)

I would outlaw the goofy new "easy-to-read" mass market paperback format that's tall and skinny, that some publishers have been experimenting with. I prefer the older, just-as-easy-to-read size, thank you.

Greg Zimmerman said...

Ha - great post! Re #1 and #8: Can you add Lauren Conrad and Dan Brown to your list, as well?!

And can you add "stories about zombies" to the vampire-list of no more accepted manuscripts?!

Janice Phillips said...

DEF reprint all LMM books. And push the Heidi sequels written by her translator. Good stuff. Oh and all young adult writers would need to pass serious muster before being allowed to even write, much less publish. And by muster, I mean meet God, get saved, take a course on masculinity/femininity, go to counseling for their own personal demons, have a life-long mentor both personally and professionally, and THEN we'll see. Just saying.

Stephanie Kay said...

Your Majesty,

I fear such a lowly person as myself is unqualified to make rules for the book world. I will submit myself to your rules and attempt to bring them to reality.

Your humble servant,

B said...

I second #4. And I find #6 intriguing. I haven't decided yet if I agree with it, but I still find it intriguing.

Back to #4, though, I have to say that a somewhat agnostic family member has read his books and found some value in them. She's even starting moving in the direction of C.S. Lewis. At least Osteen is reaching someone I feared to be unreachable.

Elisabeth said...

This is epic! I especially agree with not allowing people who don't read to work in bookstores. Nothing bothers me more than asking, what I deem to be, an easy question to a book clerk only to be met with a blank stare. "Uh, Elizabeth Gaskell?" Yes, you idiot, Elizabeth Gaskell!

Cassandra said...

I wouldn't mind if people who work in bookstores were actually knowledgeable about their products.

I also wouldn't mind if fewer books were published each year and the focus was on quality instead of quantity. I've read very few books lately that I would rate a 5 star read.

Emily said...

WHo is WIlliam P. YOung?

And I'm glad to see someone else has read and enjoys the Heidi sequels.

ibeeeg said...

Have to tell you, I loved reading this post.

k.j.s. said...

I would have to agree with most of your rules, but I have a bone to pick with you on the young authors shouldn't yet publish(as long as they don't get too crazy they ought to be all right) and the vampires thing (As long as they don't keep copying off of each other the world (and my usually confused brain:) )will be fine)

Anna said...

Loved this post! I agree with you on several points, especially #1.

Diary of an Eccentric

Jackie said...

I like especially number 7 . #7 - I wouldn't published abridged copies of any book.

Can you please get me the unabridged version of 'City of God' by ven Mary of Agreda?

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